Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Our children

I'm just not in the mood. There will be a report card day this week and I'm just so not in the mood.

Anastassia did bad. And I mean really really bad. Even Puteri and Zaryff's good results could not light up my spirits. And i took it badly as well. Enough said. Nak cerita pasal benda lainlah.

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I've noticed lately of a trend among parents, though I hope it doesnt become a trend.

A has 4 children. A works while wifey is a housewife. A informed me that his son who is in Form 1 this year, has not been living with them since he was in std 5. A sent his son to his uncle, whose children are all in Uni, in which A said that his uncle (who is a teacher) would be the best person to prepare his son for his UPSR and to discipline his son, compared to him.

B has 6 children. B also works, wife is a housewife. B sent 4 of his children to his parents kat kampung, which is half an hour away. B and wife would balik kampung to visit the children every weekend. Reason is, B is busy with work, wife is busy with 2 smaller one at home, so not enough attention given to the other 4 kids. They've been doing this for almost a year.

C has 5 children. C's mom nak jaga one of her grandkids. So C's son yang no 2 tinggal with grandma for several years now.


I do not want to be critical. But I just dont understand the thinking of somebody else can take better care of your children better than you. Is it an act of lepas tangan? Although I do understand C's dilemma sebab nak jaga hati mak dia.

To me there is no reason to split up adik beradik. Unless money is a big issue, whereby parents are too poor and do not have the means to raise and give proper education to their children.

38 comments:

Darling said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Darling said...

i memang no kid yet tapi my opinion, children better dengan their family. melainkan kalau ada masalah kewangan & sebagainya le.

through my own experience, my parents pernah hantar i stay dengan my aunt - my age masa tu 9 tahun. but, bila stay dengan my aunt, my result jadi teruk. so tahun berikutnya i balik semula dengan family.

alasan i kena duduk dengan my aunt sebab anak-anak dia dah besar & rasa sunyi tapi on my side, i rasa my family dah tak sayang i. sebab tu i jadi tak kisah dengan pelajaran.

so ada pro & kon i think.

IzzSofeAd said...

Helena, its nothing new...it happenned to my own family too. One of my bros memang suka hantar anak2 dia gi duduk rumah sedara-mara. He once sent his dgthr to my sis's hse for 1 year, reason being to prepare for her UPSR n kat rumah tak blh belajar. I sian tengok anak dia dipisah-pisahkan. Latelty nih I dengar nak hantar the same girl again to stay with my Mom. Konon nak prepare her for SPM. Common la...what can my Mom yg dah tua tuh do to prepare his girl for the major exam??

During school hols, tak yah nak cakap la...his kids will be bersepah2, the boy is regular at my house, then the girl either at my house or my sis's hse. Asalkan cuti aje mesti anak dia spend kat rumah org lain. Sampai anak2 dia yg besar dua tuh dah tak rapat sangat.

No financial prob, of course...but I kind of agree of sikap "lepas tangan"

For me, cuti ke, exam ke..its the duty of the parents to be with their children, spend time with them, talk to them, bring them jalan2...jgn harap org lain buat keja tuh...Sian budak2 tuh...

Sorry le ..terlepas geram sket kat sini, kebetulan U pun buka topic nih yg dah terbuku lama ...tunggu masa nak lepas aje...

helena said...

darling, in other words u memberontaklah ye?

Well good for you that u were at your aunts sekejap aje. I rasa dah kebiasaan orang2 kita, siapa yang sunyi, mesti minta sedara dekat hantar anak supaya mereka jaga.

Pada Helena, macam cerita C tuh, Kita rasa serba salah, taknak orang tua tersinggung. Tapi siapa yg nak pikir pasal perasaan anak tu pulak kan?

helena said...

izz, my aunt was raised by my great grandmother. Sampai sekarang my aunt tak sehaluan dengan adik beradik lain. She also had this feeling that her mom (my grandmother) tak sayang dia sebab tak jaga dia. Kes pun sama, my great grandmother was lonely, so nak one of her cucu to stay with her.

I guess your brother has his reasons. Tapi the fact still stays la kan, like you said, time holidays la the parents must be with their kids, bond together, spend time together. Tapi I understand kalau sekali sekala kita hantar kids kerumah saudara mara so that they mix with their cousins. Though I cant imagine doing that my self. hehe.

The guy A in my story tu, anak dia diberi pada uncle dia masa std 5. To prepare for UPSR. Tapi is that the real reason? Results UPSR pun 1A 2B 2C. Serve the purpose ke?

Atau pun parents macam ni nak easy life, nak subcon their responsibilities?

MAMAMIA said...

My hubby always says 'Nobody can look after your property better than you...".

Anyway, how bad can her results be? Sometimes kalau dapat result teruk, boleh juga jadi motivation for her to buck up.

MINAH CELOTEH said...

I dont understand why B shld do dat.
Isn't there an old saying... 'Pandai buat anak, pandai lah jaga'
Sorry abt the harshness, tapi the old saying is true to a certain extent.

Darling said...

yea.. memberontak.. tapi luckily le sekejap je. kalau tak, rasanya sekarang entah apa jadi.

perasaan orang tua yang payah nak jaga. dorang tahu mintak tapi tak fikir pasal pihak lagi 1. actually yang nak bagi/hantar tu susah gak nak bagi, kan? kecuali le kalau memang dorang tak kisah nak bagi/hantar tu

kalau hantar time cuti sekolah je ke, i think yang tu ok..

mungkin anak A tu memberontak like me kut.. tu yang dapat 1A je.

btw, i ada sorang kwn yang lps bercerai suruh mak yang jaga. i tak setuju sebab dia tu perempuan & makin 'ligat' selepas bercerai.

kakLuna said...

sy ni anak baru je sorang..tp sy pun x setuju anak2 dipecah2kan, walau apapun reason...sy ni, nak tinggalkan anak utk g shopping/tgk wayang pun sy x sampai hati, apatah lg nak letak sana sini...ada org ckp, 'kau anak sorg,senang la ckp, nk jaga smua..cuba kau beranak ramai....err, kalau rezeki saya anak ramai pun, takkan saya terfikir nak buat mcm tu...tgjwb tetap tgjwb.

Helena said...

nak tambah my reply to izz.

My aunt tu sekarang alhamdullillah dah rapat dgn adik beradik and her mom/my grandma. Malah diala sekarang yg jaga my grandma yg dah bedridden.

Syukur.

Helena said...

mamamia. let me quote apa my friend ckp dgn i tadi. "Results anak you mmg teruk if ikut yr standard, tapi kalau ikut my standard, kira ok la jugak"

Results Anastassia tu, mmm macam ni ajela. She got last in class. Tak pernah I merasa anak I dapat last in class. Kawan i pujuk, kata, last in class A is not a big deal.

Well to me, it is. But now i pikir positive la. At least bila benda ni terjadi, I hope, dia tersedar dari mimpi indah dia tu.

Your hubby is right on spot.

Helena said...

minahceloteh. Well that saying came to my mind jugak.

Sayang i tengok anak2 dia. Macam terbiar aje. Tapi ye la, anak dia rapat2 umur mereka.

Priority dia lain, dia kata education tak important, belajar agama is important. Tapi Helena tengok setakat cakap ajela. Tapi bab agama pun macam lepas tangan aje.

Sayang, dia ex-mrsm just like me. Tapi his way of thinking mmg kuno.

helena said...

darling,well at least u sekejap ajekan dgn yr aunt. So not much damage done. I hope.

Tapi mmgla, mak you pun tak sampai hati to say no to yr aunt. Cant blame her. Her act to take you back due to not so good results shows that she cares.

I pun kenal someone yg ignore anak2 after hubby passed away. This person who got married at 18, macam lepas geram nak enjoy sbb dulu takdapat enjoy sbb kawen muda. (when hubby passed away, dia baru 28)

Her 2 girls, abang dia and mak dia jaga gilir2 everytime dia gi Genting, gi cameron, gi holiday sana sini on school nights.

helena said...

kak luna, how come Helena tak perasan you only have one child? mmm....

Memang tak sanggupkan as a mother nak pisahkan anak2. Tapi kesian dgn some people yg terpaksa do that due to money problems.

Teringat almost 10 yrs ago, one couple ni menangis2 nak kasi triplets boys dia away... tapi terpaksa sbb orang susah. They had to accept the fact that mereka tak mampu. It seems mereka kasi susu pekat yg dicairkan bila susu badan dah habis. The triplets masih menyusu and dalam buai bila masuk tv tu.

kc said...

there are side effects to this kind of trend. mostly to the child itself. i've seen cases with my own family member (my bro) whose eldest son is staying with my mom since the age of 2. bila cuti sekolah panjang je baru balik kat rumah parents dia. but there's a huge gap between him and his siblings. dia also macam tak mesra ngan parents dia. so he felt ousted and left out which is not good to his growing mind. the kid will start to think negative views like maybe his parents dont love him that much so thats why he is staying with the grandma fr example? who knows what he will embed in his thoughts...

but then again, i'm sure every parents have valid reasons why they did such thing in the first place. financial unstability could be one of them which is highly understandable. but to ship off their offsprings to the grandparents simply bcoz they were too busy with their work is totally unacceptable.

just my 2 cents worth.

goboklama said...

Qisst ada 1 je anak,tapi ada juga terpikir nak hntar dia balik kampung temankan mak qisst buat sementara waktu. Of course my hubby is against the idea & talking is not as easy as walk the talk. Kekadang,banyak reason lain di sebalik kisah tu semua,bukannya hanya sebab 'an act of negligence'.

Kaklong said...

salam,

sis, mak saya pesan sungguh2 ngan saya, jangan pisah2kan anak2 drp adik beradik mereka or saya letak mrk bawah jagaan dia or family lain, sbbnya mak saya sendiri dah experienced tu, dia kena tinggal kat kg. ngan arwah moyang utk jadi teman sepupunya yg perempuan (maknya meninggal sjk lahir) yg dibela arwah. 3 abg mak saya pun duduk kg. gak.

kesannya, bila dia dah umur 20 an duduk balik ngan arwah maknya (nenek saya) dia rasa kekok sbb baru nak kenal rapat ngan adik2 sendiri, bygkan she has 11 siblings including her.tp dia dan 3 abgnya kat kampung. so, dia amik masa gak nak kenal rapat ngan adik2nya yg kecil dulu. dan dia tak nafikan dia mmg rasa kecil hati kerana duduk pisah drp parentnya wlwpun abg2nya ada bersama dgnnya.tp itu citer dulu, masa dia bujang la..la ni mmg rapat ngan adik2nya. tu dia tak mo anak2 saya alami keadaan sama.

saya sendiri tak mau pisah2kan anak2 dan tak mau jauh ngan anak2. biarlah kita didik sendiri, buruk baik, pandai bodoh anak tu, depan mata kita, jgn esok nanti, bila depa dah besar, ktia terkial2 nak cari kasih sayang depa yg dah kurg rapat ngan kita..tp kalau ada masalah kwangan tak kisahlah atau wlwpun letak anak ngan org lain, tp hubungan tu akrab n mesra mcm hari2 call dan jumpa every weekend.

lagi puas hati dpt didik anak sendiri. nnti dah besar esok, bila dia berjaya, kan bangga kalau dia cakap, saya terima kasih pada parent saya sbb didik saya sampai berjaya.

dan apa rasa kita,kalau anak tu nanti ucap, saya ucap terima kasih pd aunt or uncle saya sbb dialah ebri perhatian pada pelajaran saya dan didik saya bla..bla..sedihnyalah masa tukan.

NBK466 said...

Kadang2 bukan kita yg suka2 nak pisahkan anak2..tapi dok kesian dgn rayuan org tua yg nak dipinjamkan companionship & kasih sayang cucu mereka...

Kak Lady said...

Kak lady rasa...anak2 patut dijaga oleh mak ayah mereka sendiri ...

Mungkin mereka punya sebab2 tersendiri...tapi kak lady masih dengan pendapat kak lady tadi...kenapa orang lain boleh buat...tapi A, B & C tak boleh...?

ruby ahmad said...

Hi Helena,

Babe, go easy on your lil girl. She's still young. Results from schools today are by no means the best indicator of her real abilities.

Talking about the trend, I totally agree with you. It is ok to be academic driven. We all are to some point. But please do not do it at the expense of family togetherness...that may have some other personal relationship repercussions later in life. No matter what children need that personal touch from parents. Cheers.

mak andeh said...

Helena:

Good point to ponder.

To me lah personally, no matter how susah I am, how terrible my life turned out to be - I would still want anak-anak I bersama-sama. Susah dan senang. Unless, of course jika being with me means kebajikan mereka tidak terjaga - that is, of course - a different issue all together.

I have a colleague who have twin sons. They were the first grandchildren from each side. So each twin are given to both maternal/paternal grandparents to raise disebabkan masalah penjagaan cos both hubby & wife sibuk mengejar cita-cita. They took back the boys masa masuk sekolah. The twins turned out total strangers to each other. Walaupun sekelas, but jika ada homework, they would rather ask their friends than each other.

Another story: memang mother jenis pemalas jaga anak ( I know the family well). Hantar anak ke rumah babysitter and if anak tak nak balik ke rumah - the mother tak kisah. Sometimes, even on a weekend kalau anak sebut nak ke rumah babysitter - dia akan hantar.

If it was me, I would be horrified kalau anak I prefer tumpuan dan kasih sayang orang lain (walaupun saudara sendiri - in this case babysitter are not even related).


Again, parenting style masing2 differs from one to the other - and who am I to judge others, kan ?but my personal feeling is, walau macamana sekalipun anak-anak deserve the utmost love and attention dari ibubapa kandung sendiri.

Even untuk anak-anak I, kalau mereka nak sleepover ke rumah cousins, I will make sure semua pergi. Either all go (with me) or all stay home. I never wanted anak-anak I mempunyai pilihan kasih sayang yang lain selain dari diri I sendiri.

D said...

No, No, NO... don't take my child away!!! Biar susah senang bersama.

every child is different. Handle your Anastasia tactfully. Best of luck.

~ahni~ said...

Hairan kan? Tapi for them may be itu yang terbaik... Entah lah susah nak cakap. Myself, even kalau cuti sekolah hubby suruh tinggalkan anak2 kat kpg pun tak sanggup; satu sebab tak nak susahkan orang, dua sebab sekarang aje masa nak bersama, deme dah besar nanti mesti nak duduk asramalah, rumah sewa etc.

sherrina said...

Well...apa nak hairan. Ini hasilnya daripada simptom "orang nak kawin, awak pun nak kawin. Orang nak anak, awak pun nak anak. Tapi orang blaja jaga anak dan jaga sendiri anak tapi awak suh orang jagakan"

Budaya ikut-ikutan. Apabila tidak lahir daripada hati yg sebenar-benar mahukan ia (perkahwinan, anak) maka hasilnya half cook lah. Half cook parent, half cook family, half cook children and later half cook society.

Jika tak diawasi, sindrom ni leh jadi satu wabak. Salah satu tanda penyakit bila segala hal pendidikan diserah bulat2 kepada sekolah tanpa mahu ambil tahu sedikit pun kecuali bila ada masalah, sekolah yang dipersalahkan.

Just my two cents.

13may said...

hmmm...maybe sekrg dah nak jadik trend...
lagipun, bagi parent yg dua dua keja...memang their time is very limited with their children....kena plak yg terpaksa keja sampai lewat mlm...tu tak kira outstation lagi....
hantar gi nursery pun, depa mcm risau...so maybe that explain why there are some parent sent their children kat mak bapak dia kat kg...

tapi kalau anak2 dah sekolah, baik duduk ngan parent dia la...senang mak bapak nak monitor progress anak2 dia...kalau hantaq dok ngan nenek kat kg...hmmm...no komen la... nenek kan sayang cucu...hahha

ishhh...rasa cam skema plak komen I nih....

hahha hahha:D

Helena said...

hi kc, yes, some have to do it due to financial constraint, yang itu pahamla. Tapi yg tanpa sebab musabab hantar anak duduk dgn orang lain, itu yg tak paham.

In the end siblings tak rapat with one another kan.

Helena said...

goboklama, rasanya hantar sekejap2 kat grandma dia, no problem kut, in which kadang2 the memories with their grandparents tu akan menjadi kenangan indah buatnya.

Yang hantar lama2 yg problemnya tu.

Helena said...

kak long, siapa yg dah merasa mesti faham kan.

Di kalangan adik beradik yg duduk serumah pun macam2 ragam dalam penyesuaian, inikan pula adik beradik yg duduk berasingan.

Mmm.... ada impact ke utk anak yg tinggal di asrama. Sikit aje kut.

Helena said...

kak long, lupa nak cakap, thx for sharing. Buat pengajaran pada semua.

Helena said...

nbk, mmm mmg kadang2 serba salah. Tapi kadang2 permintaan tu over juga kan.

Helena said...

kak lady, maybe dia ingat dia tak boleh buat? Tak boleh ke.... tak nak?

Helena said...

kak lady, maybe dia ingat dia tak boleh buat? Tak boleh ke.... tak nak?

Helena said...

Hi Ruby, I'm trying very hard. Very hard to understand her.

Well, academic driven? If thats the the case, satu hal but has it got to do with academic driven, u think? I think not.

Helena said...

mak andeh, like u, my kids are everything to me. Hubby used to suggest that they balik kampung during school hols. But I said NO, sampai gaduh2. Hehe.

alhamdullillah, he now understands my way with the kids.

Wow, to separate a twin? Mmm... sedih Helena baca, and for them to be strangers with each other.

I have come across parents yg suka biarkan anak kat baby sitter, even during weekends. Ini terikut trend orang cina la tu.

Thanks for sharing, MA.

Helena said...

d, thx. Memang tengah pakai psychology ni. Esp time ni Helena masih emotional pasal hal tu.

Helena said...

ahni.... rasa sunyi aje rumah if one child tak de kan? Tu yg tak sanggup berjauhan tu.

Helena said...

sherrina. Well said. Half cook society. Memang on the dot la you ni, and it's all a cycle kan?

Helena said...

13 may, yes susah if both parents bekerja. Esp yang kerja kilang.

I work in a factory, kadang2 terpikir, macamanala budak2 yg kerja shift malam tu handle family dia....